Grotesque Qualitative Data About Babies

  • Around six weeks of age, a baby’s face will often erupt in acne as the mother’s excess estrogen leaves the baby’s body. You are not allowed to pick or pop at these teensy-weensy cysts, especially if the baby isn’t yours.
  • Infant crying frequency peaks at 6 weeks, exactly the time that most maternity/paternity leaves end. 
  • Fetuses masturbate in the womb.
  • Baby’s faces are mushy blank slates onto which people project all kinds of bullshit gender inferences and signs of family resemblance. 
  • Newborn infants can’t see shit beyond a one-foot radius and they cannot follow subtle nonverbal communications such as pointing, so there is no shitting reason to take them to the zoo, okay?
  • Newborn infants already exhibit a preference for conventionally attractive faces at birth, preference being measured by the amount of time they spend staring at a face.
  • Babies begin to pick up on (and mimic) their parents’ racial prejudices around three months. 
  • A small percentage of babies are continually disagreeable and manipulative in their crying patterns from birth. Most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (“sociopaths”) were “difficult” infants.
  • Maternal depression can fuck up an infant’s attachment patterns, leaving them avoidant of human contact, emotionally oversensitive, and depressive for life. 
  • Babies get lots of yeast infections, sometimes in their tummy folds.
  • When I was born I had tufts of black hair which fell out in huge clumps over the course of a few months and was replaced with blonde-brown. My sister was born bald and remained bald for three years, and she had an enormous, pulsing soft spot the size of a peach which didn’t solidify for over a year.
  • Garbage in, garbage out.